i touched on this over at ciuca baby, but i have to tell you guys... leaving my baby is not what i thought it would be.

see, i am on a business trip and spent the weekend packing up my tot and all his cute little things to spend a night or two at eric's parents. and while i KNOW he is in excellent care (and probably having the time of his life!), i never expected to feel this way.

you know how i feel?

i feel like that feeling when you break up with a guy, and you really really miss him but you KNOW you can't call him. you can't b/c you just can't (pride, sadness you can't put into words, etc). but you are thinking of him all the time and swallowing a lump in your throat and telling yourself to just get over it already.

right, well i can't "call" adam. i can't say on the phone- hey sweetiepie, boy, do i miss you! i can't wait to see you and kiss your adorbale little face! and we'll play and give hugs and laugh at each other. and he would say- i miss you too mommy! i love you and can't wait to see you again.

i mean, if he could comprehend words and speak his thoughts out loud...

also, another weird feeling i hadn't anticipated... today i took the train to my conference. i'm in philly. while on the train, alone, knowing i was going away for a couple days and not coming back, i felt like i was doing something wrong. like a bad girl, sneaking off. like i was in high school and i was sneaking off to do go out of town with my boyfriend when i am supposed to be on a school trip (no, mom, i never ever did this. i wasn't this creative in high school...). felt odd and weird. and strangely lonely.

friends, some of you already know this, but i am not overly maternal. (or at least, i waaaasn't.) i never cooed over babies when my friends did in our early twenties. loud kids and crying babies annoy me (except my own, of course). i like animals, but am not a crazy dog or cat (or turtle or bird [sarah]) lover. i am not really that sympathetic towards adults, even. i almost always think it can be worse. i love my friends and family and take heart with everyone, but i have to admit that i sometimes think people just need to count their blessings and move on.

why i am telling you all this?

b/c i NEVER expected to feel so lonely, detached and missing my little mini me. i am so head over heels in love with him and feel out of sorts. don't people look forward to this kind of "escape"? after all, i am in a nice hotel, in a gorgeous part of the city, tv in bed, books to read, internet to surf... no bottles to make in the morning, no smelly diapers, snot to wipe or toys to put away.

hmmm.

i am just completely surprised.