twixter

as you guys probably already know, twixters is a term used to describe many folks in my/our generation who have jobs and live at home. they're be"twixt" being adolescents and adults-- since they still rely on their parents to take care of them a lot.

but-- i been feelin' lately that there is another kind of twixter too. one like me.

that, or i am beginning a quarter life crisis (eh, or is it a third-life crisis? i guess i am too old for quarter life... and thoughts like that are partially what bring all this on...)

allow me to explain.

i am stuck between, basically. i really wish i could make 2 columns for you here so you could see how my brain views this stuff. but, i can't. two ways i see myself: mom/still so young, home owner/have way too much responsibility, yogi/professional, jeansandascarfinmywavyhair/ heelssilverskirtandbuttonedup, desicion maker/decision avoider, love my roots/need more open space.

you guys, i have a child! i still feel like a child myself. but then, i also feel like such a grown up when i interact the younger people i interact with, especially when i think back and remember myself during those years. so you see, i'm stuck.

somewhere in the middle. but where?

there are probably a million reasons for feeling these things, and i am highly aware that i am not alone. but i think most of it is brought on by a couple very distinct things. (sorry, i'll have to leave them vague, but that's b/c i don't like to talk about work here) here's the biggie:

for an impending promotion, it has been suggested i elevate myself professionally and personally. um, ok. but... sometimes i think... what if this is as elevated as i get right now? what if i don't want to elevate any further? what if i'd rather UNelevate? what if, right before you said that, i was thinking i was too elevated anyhow and would like to do less, feel somewhat younger, closer to my actual age, and more carefree, what if this is as elevated as i ever cared to be and was just realizing that less is more?

OR- what if, gosh, you're right? what if i could elevate myself more, get a raise, take a bigger seat at the table, learn something, do more fun stuff with the income that would be provided, like travel and have nice things for our family, meet new colleagues and do more with my work?

OR- what if i was just thinking that, gee golly, i have already done a TON in my little life. for now, i am just right, thank you. i'd rather stay right where i am and enjoy the view for a moment before climbing on up even further. i'd like to be comfortable for a minute, relax, step back from the ladder rungs and take a seat on a big plateau for a few years? cause sometimes, i'm tired. and, you know, i am WAY too young to be tired just yet.

OR- is this what it is, life, i mean? climb, reach, go, run, figure it out as you go. change, turn, adapt, push, push push for more more more? and enjoying the more as much as you can before you abandon it in pursuit of more yet to come?

le sigh.

see what i mean?