today was my last day at work. other than a yoga teaching job lined up in portland and being a full time mommy, i have no job.

this feels weird. and, ok, kind of nice.

i feel like it sounds cliche, but now that my main "job" is taking care of my son and family, i feel like i can really devote myself to that. for now, at least. i don't feel like i am on a vacation starting tomorrow morning. i feel like i finally have space to do all the things i always want to do and just can't because i am too pressed for time or too tired or too stressed-- art with my kid, long walks with adam and otis, sell a bunch of crap we don't need, shop- like really plan and shop- for good, healthy, organic, local foods and learn interesting, new, healthy ways to cook them, practice yoga every day for more than five minutes, meditate, set up a home office space, organize our crap and purge what we don't need or use...

i know i am blessed to have this time. i know there are lotsa mamas sitting in traffic for hours every day, or working two or three jobs to make ends meet, mamas NOT making ends meet despite trying, mamas who have to sacrifice so much. therefore, i don't want to squander this time. i want to stay my good ol goal oriented self, and remember that this is now my job. i want to be good at this job too.

and i know there will be days that i hate my job or want a new job, like any job. but that's ok. i welcome this change.

tomorrow movers come to pack up our home. i am still wrestling with this and swallow a lump in my throat when i look at our picture frames propped against the walls, do not pack! signs on my coffee pot and plants, suitcases full of clothes open and bursting at the seams. we're uprooted. this leaving our home is like being broken up with by someone when you're not ready to break up. you know you have to leave, you know you can never call again or go out again. ever. but you're just not ready inside. yet still, you move on and know you'll get over it, eventually. but you're sad, knowing you're not going to see this person ever again on the inside. that's exactly how i feel.

i know, i KNOW, this is just a house. it is a thing. my life is not things. but, you know, this house has us all over and inside it, and has certainly become a part of our family, for me anyhow. i'm sad to see it go. one of my friends tells me i can dry my tears with dollar bills, since we DID sell this house and we ARE making a profit, and it makes me giggle. but still. money could never replace the experiences we've had here. so about this i am still sad.

but.

i am ok with being this sad. i know it will pass on and that i am totally going to be ok. i think this is all part of the experience, a little piece of our life that we'll look back on and savor the story. eric and i talk often about how we think (hope) when we look back on our lives, all this moving and new experiences, that we'll be thankful for all the new places we experienced, the different kinds of people we meet and love along the way, the new and interesting towns and places we'll see and become a part of. i know that this sad time will pass along and i will feel good again, that i might feel this way again when we leave portland. i loved portland and think i'll really like living there. and as soon as we're settled in our new apartment, and i can breathe easily and slowly in a smaller town, i will be ok.

now, just to get through the next few weeks.

stop 1: eric's parents
stop 2: my brother's in sc
stop 3: my parents' house in sc
stop 4: my best friend's wedding in sc
stop 5: philly
stop 6: maine