i feel fantastic, really, physically, mentally.  i don't really *feel* pregnant, other than not being able to wear my normal pants (already?!).  it's difficult to put into words, but this time is different.  i try to remember what it was like last time, what did i do with myself, home alone in the evenings while eric worked?  likely, i did whatever the hell i wanted.  things like : took yoga classes, went out with friends, watched trash tv that i likewaytoomuch, rested when i was tired (i do remember watching the nightly news in bed, at 7pm), and read a million books about being pregnant and having a baby.  this time : play with adam, pick up and carry adam, cook for adam and me, clean up after adam and me, play with adam, bathe adam, brush adam's teeth, read and sing to adam, squeeze in whatever couple things i can manage to do/want to do before my eyes slam shut, sleep, sweet sleep.  so you see, things are different this time. i *am* excited for baby.  sososososososo excited, we waited for this baby for what felt like forever.  but ... so different this time!  despite the more things to do and the extra person to care for, i actually do feel much more energized this time (side note: last time, when i met women who told me "i never felt better than when i was pregnant!" i sort of wanted to punch them.  but this time, i get it.  i haven't felt this great in awhile. i am nearly 4 mos and haven't gained a pound, i feel clear-headed, happy and energized), more together, less scared, and more secure in knowing that, whatever comes our way, we'll be good.  great.  probably a little of experience in being a mama, and a little experience in living some more life in general.

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eric has been living away for over three months now for work.  we are lucky b/c we see him on weekends, but that's it.  he will be home in portland so soon and we are SO READY.  i can't imagine what it will be like to have him home in the evenings, like on a random tuesday night. it's been so long, it's hard to remember. i can't wait to have dinner together, spend a worknight together. since we moved here, he was gone, almost immediately.  we moved to portland and he left on his first trip 4 days later.  for two weeks.  and it was sporadic gone and then home again from june-august.  and now, since august, just gone and home most weekends.  as much as i hate him being away, i can't imagine being in his shoes.  being away from my spouse AND child - my family.  sleeping in random, tight, non-home places for days, weeks, living out of a bag, having no sameness security that i personally crave.  everyday, i know how lucky we are, how lucky.  he's so close, we see him often, thank goodness he HAS a job, and one that he loves at that.  but, regardless, i'll be glad when this work trip is finished.  soon.